It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
You Might Also Like
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something