Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
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[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup