My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

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Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?


Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym


I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.


My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.


A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her


*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*


Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.



SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*