I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
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Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*