@MedusaOusa

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

You Might Also Like

@RdrJay47

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

@osoplain

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

@Lani_Hayden

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

@StorybookBlonde

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

@LuvPug

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

@bewgtweets

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

@CourtneyBale

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

@batkaren

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*