Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
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my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here