Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
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Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Word!
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
This probably isn’t good
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly