Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
they really do be looking like this
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Catercrombie & Fish
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.