If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
You Might Also Like
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Mornin
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.