People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
You Might Also Like
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists