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8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Happy Star Wars day!