Happy Star Wars day!
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One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”