A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
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Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*