The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
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Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.