When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
ready to be harvested
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult