Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
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If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Confused owl: What?!
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies