Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
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Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Seems a bit forward
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose