Labreador
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Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?