Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
You Might Also Like
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
So creative 😂