Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*