The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
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I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
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Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
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Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.