The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
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Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Goodnight 🐶
Me when my alarm goes off
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston