When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
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GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
good for her
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.