i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
You Might Also Like
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”