If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
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Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.