If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
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There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
He wanted to make sure😂
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese