i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
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Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem