Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
You Might Also Like
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Lassie, get help!
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours