Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
#merica
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.