We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
You Might Also Like
s
oc
i
a
l
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes