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*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.