*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
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running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest