🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
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SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.