soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.