soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm![]()
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Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
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Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.