ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
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NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.