Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
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Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Heroic Misunderstanding
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Why is this me 😫
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.