Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
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doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
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Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Not today, today.
Not today.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.