My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
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My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life