Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
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Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.