Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
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[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!