Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
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The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.