Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
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*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
bro what is going on at twitter
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!