I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
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“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.