Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
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older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Whoa 😂
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?