Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
You Might Also Like
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.