People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
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It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??