If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
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My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.