My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
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Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Very problematic
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Feels
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer