No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
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*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
dogs can find happiness so easily
im 7 sauces long
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.