Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
uh oh
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks