I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
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I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
When your parents check you’re ok.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car