does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
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Y’all ready for this
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
What
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning