No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
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Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Pigeon open mic night.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh