The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
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When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Great Canadian literature.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping