My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
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I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.